Sunday, December 15, 2002

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE "Hardball" transcript (imperfect)

Matthews: "The Bush team has fewer original members than Destiny's Child. Is all this upheaval weakened Bush's chances of reelection, or is the Democratic Party so knock-kneed and gutless they couldn't win a presidental campaign against Carrot Top?"

Matthews: "With us tonight, lead strategist for the Democratic National Committee, Amy Sanborn."

Sanborn: "Nice to be here, Chris."

Matthews: "I've known you for three seconds, I'm already bored."

Gore (as Lott): "Chris, when I said our country wouldn't have all these problems if Strom Thurmond had been elected president, it had nothing to do with segregation. I simply meant that things would have been better if Thurmond were president because he would have kept white people and black people separate. I just hate it when liberals take me out of context like that."

Matthews: "Why do I get the feeling you thought 'Birth of a Nation' was the feel good hit of the summer?"

Matthews: "Is this the kind of thing Democrats will point to at election time?"

Sanborn: "Chris, we have bigger fish to fry. Democrats need to show how our agenda is different than the Republicans. For example, Republicans want to go to war with Iraq. We only support such a war. Republicans want privatized Social Security. We believe Social Security should be privatized. You see? There are key differences."

Matthews: "Yeah, here one key difference: there are no Democrats in office any more."

Gore (as Lott): "Chris, Chris! It has come to my attention that some of comments about Strom Thurmond a minute ago may have been construed as racially insensitive. Let me apologize. I meant no respect -- no disrespect to any white people. I myself am a white man and some if not all my friends are white. Let me make this clear, as as I'm in office, we will leave no white person behind."

Matthews: "Senator, you're shedding a lot of light on the situation. Unfortunately, the light's coming from a cross you just set on fire."

Matthews: "Amy Sanborn, Amy! Should the Senator Grand Wizard here be punished?"

Sanborn: "Chris, the Democratic Party condemns Senator Lott's comments. We believe they are deplorable and worthy of censure. Unless somehow it turns out everyone's cool with what he said, in which case, so are we."

Matthews: "I want to try something. Hey Sanborn, Republicans want to outlaw kitty cats."

Sanborn: "Who doesn't?"

Matthews: "Republicans want 'Baby Got Back' to be the National Anthem."

Sanborn: "Democrats have always loved that song."

Matthews: "Republicans want to put Osama Bin Laden on the Supreme Court."

Sanborn: "It's about time!"

Gore (as Lott): "If I may, Chris. Too much emphasis has been placed on Senator Thurmond's pro-segregation campaign. There was a lot more to his 1948 platform. He wanted to make it illegal for black people and white people to marry each other. He had great ideas for raising tax revenue, like makin' black people pay to vote. The man is a genius."

Matthews: "As soon as I finish counting all the ways that's stupid I start yelling at you."

Matthews: "We're going to take a break. When we come back, Trent Lott explains why America would be better off if the Germans won World World II. Hubba dah hubba."

(source believed to be but I can't actually find it there.)