Friday, February 14, 2003

Farmer Writes to MSNBC

Ok, I'm no network program exec, but......
Listen up MSNBC,
Please keep up the good work.
I really enjoy the weekend "news" stories. Especially the exposes on fat people who aren't fat anymore.
Please make more dieting documentaries. For instance; I'd like to see Al Rocher's arms and legs surgically removed on television. Is that feasible?

Also..... I would like to see more stories about cats. Any kind of cats will do. (Enough with the pretentious inbred dog shows.) And more car chases ....with car chases, you can't go wrong.

Here are some more subjects/ideas I think MSNBC should consider.
Especially on weekends, when there is no actual news because everyone goes home and stops making up news.

1- More shows about designer penis enlargement medications like the old ones starring Bob Dole. I know, prostate surgery is in this season. But I miss the hearty old time bounders.

2- More shows about prostitutes and strippers. Especially child prostitutes. America loves child prostitutes!
Doesn't really matter about the kinds of strippers or prostitutes actually, America likes them all. Housewife prostitutes?
Strippers for God? Obese lesbian prostitutes on diets! You know what I mean? Fancy Lady stories. More Fancy Lady stories.

3- More celebrities gone bad shows. Like those former child-star exposes about once popular and beloved personalities who grow up into rogue adult miscreants and prostitutes. America likes celebrity prostitutes too. People are sick of Michael Jackson. People are begining to think that you are paying Michael Jackson to act weird just so you can report that Michael Jackson is acting weird. Its getting old. Whats Gary Condit up to? Can't you go bother Gary Condit some more. Does Gary Condit know any prostitutes?

4- Any story that can possibly involve the name 'Kennedy' and the word 'criminal' or 'drunk' in the same sentence. I think you know what I mean here. Big market for this in the hookworm and Bible belt.

5- Spring Break coverage. Doesn't matter if Spring Break is long over with or not. Watching moronic teenagers drinking draft beer from plastic cups and showing their titties is always a weekend crowd pleaser. Even during Thanksgiving!

6- Shark attack stories! Where are the shark attack stories?! Especially if the sharks are eating moronic drunken teenage prostitutes!

7- Serial killer stories. (Yes, the old reliable serial killer yarns). Unfortunately we need some new serial killers. At least one with a new flashy gimmick or new tantilizing modus operendi. America is bored with the same old serial killer with the hacked up prostitutes in the barrel in the garage and the sneaky satanic cults and the frustrated cop who has been working on the case for 16 years and so on.... know what I mean? Maybe work the name 'Kennedy' into a few more of these serial murderer stories. Eh?

8- More tawdry and salacious British royalty stories and bios. (self explanatory) Perhaps focus on Spanish royalty? (is there any Spanish royalty these days?) ... or some Monte Carlo sex-capade gambling stories!... some French fiddle faddle might be just the ticket! Or some steamy avante garde Iraqi playboy auto theft sex ring of virgin prostitutes for Allah investigation story! Very chic.... very current. Very MSNBC.

9- Jack Welch "Regular Guy" stories and interviews! What happened to the Jack Welch regular guy stories and interviews? Ya know.. maybe some interviews with Jack and his regular guy buddy/neighbor pals telling us all about what a regular buddy neighbor guy Jack is. Like his neighbor Bud, the auto-body paint shop guy, who hangs out on weekends and plays horseshoes with regular guy Jack. Or Marsha, the cashier at WalMart who greets Jack each morning when hes out on the sidewalk with his GE leaf-blower, or out tending the marigolds planted around the base of his ceramic virgin Mary lawn ornament.
How 'bout an afternoon with regualr guys Jack Welch and Brain Williams as they reseal the a driveway or go shopping for a new neckties? Well?

10- How about an honest serious investigative news report about the collapse of Argentina's economy or Dick "Pink Puffer" Cheney's locked box of energy task force secrets curries and favors. Especially the "secrets" concerning Iraq's oil boodle. (Heh, you ain't fooling just anybody ya know.) Ha - Just kidding!..... scared ya didn't I?

11- Asteroid scare stories.... what happened to the asteroid hitting the earth stories.... or did I miss something? And how bout all those live helicopter car chase feeds MSNBC runs. (weekdays only) Why not on the weekends?
Don't they have freeway car chases in LA on weekends? We never do get to find out what exactly those were all about or why they were being chased.... But who really cares...they sure are fun to watch and that Lester Holt guy and that Rick Sanchez guy sure know how to anchor an afternoon LA freeway chase!

(how come only LA has all the cool car chases? Now there's an "investigation" for you.)

12- Stories about rich guys in air-balloons being shot out of the sky by the North Korean Air Force. Boy, that would be something.... especially considering all the edge of the chair white knuckle news video that usually accompanies rich guys in hot air ballon stories!

13- Here's an idea.... how about assigning a film crew to follow around the Bush twins and their cousins while they get drunk and try to buy expensive reefer during this years Spring Break. So they aren't in college anymore. Who cares, this is a time for sacrifice! I'd like to see some nice wet T-shirt Bush twin booby closeups with that too. And draft beer. Don't forget the draft beer.

14- How about a little help with a segment that includes Lynn Cheney hurling dodge-balls at lazy senior citizen layabouts in Sarasota! Can someone please run over Dennis Miller in a car? I'll buy the gas and cigarettes. Whatever, anything you want MSNBC.

I have more ideas.... but until I get my own corner office with a window and an employee handgun you're gonna have to settle for shitty ratings and whatever neo-nazi you can pry away from the Free Congress Foundation.

call me MSNBC.... you need me.

(from comments)