I don't know about anyone else out there but I'm worried about the bump-monkey pox. I've been following along with the latest developments on television and the whole business is giving me the creeps. They had a picture of some guy who'd been bitten on the neck by some foul infected creature and now he's squirreled away in some E-4 containment facility in Virginia or Atlanta or some god-forsaken outpost like that.
So I did some sneaking around on my own time and I think I found the source of the bump-monkey pox. Or at least a whole festering pool of the slippery little buggers.
They're RIGHT HERE!
Yeeks, huh! See what I mean. And ugly buggers they are. I contacted The Center for the Study of Ideological Conservatism (C-SIC) and asked them what they knew about the bump-monkey pox and if they could send me any information they might have collected concerning the mutant scourge. They seemed frightened by my request and redirected me to Ehrlich Altermon, director of the NCSIML, National Center for the Study of Infectious Media Lunacies. Good thing too because this guy filled me in on all the awful details.
As I was to learn, Dr. Altermon has examined thousands of cases of the bump-monkey pox and its impact over the years. The bump-monkey pox it seems is very similar to the ditto-parrot squawk virus, that has been migrating for many years to otherwise healthy populations by way of infected avian media-mogul droppings. The bump-monkey pox is similar but it spreads primarily via pet lapblogs and similarly infected domestic critters.
Altermon, predicts a possible rise in infection rates as rabid right winged belfry bats and fuzzy tongued GOP shrub shrews colonize media talk show rafters and gnaw away at the roots of independent critical journalism and representative democracy.
Investigators learned that the bump-monkeys were probably first infected with the virus after contact with the salivary secretions of the giant Limbaughian dung swine, which is native to many parts of the country. Both the bump-monkey pox and the Limbaughian dung swine virus are hosted by the GOP-elephantiasis filial worm, which has been reproducing at an alarming rate in the United States in recent years.
Infections seem to be greatest in the red regions shown on this map. While the blue regions seem less susceptible to infestation. At least for now. Good thing too because pandemics similar to bump-monkey pox and Limbaughian dung swine virus have occurred in past years in countries such as Germany, Italy, Venezuela, Spain, Vichy France, Austria, Chile, and elsewhere. Infecting large numbers of the population and resulting in millions of deaths and untold amounts of misery and terror and pain and general all around out of control horror.
Bump-monkey pox is not necessarily transmitted by casual initial contact or short interaction with an infected carrier, but may in some cases display early warning signs of it's presence. Doctors who initially observed early symptoms believed they were facing Limbaughian dung swine fever, which displays many of the same characteristics as bump-monkey pox, but no, they are in fact not exactly the same animals because their avenue of infection is essentially different. This is the bump-monkey pox. And it's a pox on all of our house. Stop the pox.
Both bump-monkey pox and Limbaughian dung swine fever often exhibit the following symptoms:
#1-Christianus Psychosis - Irrational often deranged feelings of conservative Christian persecution. May result in damage to rational thought processes or loss of contact with temporal reality. May result in the removal of children from public schools or a book deal for Trent Lott (R- NeoConfederate States of America).
#2- Clenis(tm) Envy - Hyper agitated obsessive compulsive fascination with the Clenis(tm). A wish by these same infected agents to have a Clenis(tm). This neurosis can range from mildly disturbing feelings of inferiority to full throttle ritualistic Clenis(tm) obsessed behavioral disorders.
#3- Spinning Disease - Characterized by fanciful circular arguments that are often accompanied by bouts of childish taunting and repetitions of nonsensical anecdotal story telling. May result in lightheadedness, dizziness, and projectile vomiting.
#4- Hydraphobia Liberalis - Mental disorder. A quasi religious system of irrational beliefs and delusions characterized by terrifying manufactured fears of liberalism, humanist plots, cabals of tax supported demonic public school system fiends, communist conspiracies, and other mythological beasts and phantasms capable of delivering up all variety of grave horrors and menace designed to thwart the errand of the true believer.
#5- Linguistic Intolerance - An inability to digest foreign languages and French cheese.
#6- Homoflagaphobia - Irrational fear of rip-stop nylon rainbow flags.
#7- Punditestinal Gasbagoenteritis - May include sporadic uncontrollable verbal diarrhea often followed by incontinent bouts of Palter-paludism (see below #8)
#8- Palter-paludism - Feverish bouts of pathological lying including sweaty handwringing and chilly non-responsive catatonic memory blackouts and desperate attempts to evade the truth. Some severe cases may display an inability to differentiate reality from scripted stage-managed fantasy.
#9- Intellectualis Constipare - Inability to go inside public libraries and art museums.
#10- Delusus Fallacia: includes delusions of heroic grandeur and Blood of Kings heritage fantasies often accompanied by a swollen or over inflated sense of entitlement, or, in severe advanced cases, paranoia and a complete loss of contact with reality. (physical side effects may also include: Confederosis Halitosis below #14)
#11- Undescended Testicular Fortitude: Often characterized by a dangerous abuse or misuse of feminism. May result in impotence, sterility, or long months condemned to ice fishing with lonely guy buddies.
#12- Affirmative Refraction - Inverted or bent perceptions of racial realities - historical objects in mirrors may appear smaller than actual size. Characterized by an abnormal production of hysteron proterons in the brain.
#13- Hillaryosis Neurosia - (hustera hillaria) characterized by hysterical, often uncontrollable excessive emotional outbursts, including severe panic attacks at the mere mention of Hillary Clinton.
#14- Confederosis Halitosis - A stale reminder of old bad breath.
#15- Patriotic Paramnesia - A delusion of historical memory in which hyper-nationalistic authoritarian fantasy and objective democratic reality are confused. (also see: Patriotic Correctness)
#16- NRAbies: An infectious viral disease often transmitted by infected batty reactionary card carrying members of the colony. Symptoms may include frothing paranoid ravings, a violent irrational fear of "strangers", (see: hydraphobia liberalis), hallucinations followed by nightmarish visions of fanged foreign invaders or domestic predators absconding with second amendment. Severe cases may result in full blown buggy-eyed insanity and possible quarantine.
#17- The dreaded CAPS-LOCK disease!
There are many more where those come from....but you get the idea.
So, like I said. Lets stop the bump-monkey pox from reaching out and biting our loved ones.
Support a national campaign to immunize the world against the ravages of the bump-monkey pox.
DONATE TODAY! Before the POX is upon us all.
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