Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Dear Media,

Hey, how you guys doing? Yah, I know, I'm a bit hard on you sometimes. But, you know what? You have some pretty special constitutional protections which, at least in my opinion, imply some equally special obligations. Besides, this whole Democracy nonsense kinda depends on you, at least a little bit. And, you have to admit, you have been slipping somewhat lately. I mean, what's up with equating the head of state with the country? Whose idea was that? Not even those silly Old European countries with their Silly Hereditary Monarchies do that kind of thing. Bush is not America. America is not Bush. But, I digress.

Anyway, here's why I'm writing you. Apparently there's an arrest warrant for Michael Jackson, at least according to someone on the Larry King Live show. Yeah, that Michael, always good for a bit of fun, and Lord knows you guys love the 24 hour story. Condit, Lacey, OJ... it's just so easy. Point the camera and babble. Point the camera at other people and let them babble.

But, hey, you know what? We've got a couple soldiers dying every day in Iraq. I almost never even see their names or faces flash across the screen. Italy had a full day of national mourning over some of their guys - don't ours merit at least a bit of a tribute? And, hey, where are all those reporters you sent to Iraq? You didn't really fall for that "end of major operations" nonsense did you? Hey, even if you did - it's not too late to send them back! Who knows? Maybe they'll find Michael Jackson there!

In any case, there are a hell of a lot more important things going on right now than a possible Michael Jackson molestation trial. You all got solemn and promised after 9/11 to focus on the important things. Haven't seen too much of that lately, I have to say. I'm glad life goes on - I'm not one who thinks "everything changed," or that everything should have changed, after 9/11. But, let's face it - you pretty much blew it before 9/11 and then you pretty much blew it for the prelude to the Iraq war and you're pretty much blowing it now.

I'm sure covering M.J. 24/7 will be loads of fun - what could be more fun than a freak of a celebrity molesting a 12 year old boy?!? But, I don't think Sgt. Timothy L. Hayslett would appreciate it receiving more coverage than what he's doing in Iraq. What he was doing, that is, before he died. What, you didn't hear his name before? Yah, me neither. Maybe Lou Dobbs slipped it in there after ranting about the horrible evil of the new "Bad Santa" movie. Maybe I just missed it.



P.S. Could you please tell Lou Dobbs that Billy Bob Thornton isn't playing the actual Santa in the movie - he's playing a con-artist who becomes a department store Santa. I'm not quite sure he understood the difference. Maybe his mommy forgot to tell him something.

P.P.S. Could you please tell Lou Dobbs that there isn't, actually, an actual Santa. Again, he wasn't too clear on this point.