Monday, April 16, 2012


Fred Hiatt.

As editorial page editor of the Washington Post, Fred Hiatt has presided over what is perhaps the world greatest gaggle of wankers. Fred's a true wanker connoisseur, a collector of fine wankers. Whenever a new wanker appears on the market, Fred is there, ready to outbid all rivals at the auction. His ever expanding menagerie of wankers forms the Rogue's Gallery of DC, perpetually frustrating the poor inadequate scribes at DC comics. Is there a supervillain more inspired than Charles Krauthammer? Move aside, Darkseid. The people who populate his crayon scribble page could easily fill a Wanker of the Decade list all on their own, though we should not forget that Fred manages to produce some quality wanks on his own or through the disembodied, though sadly not disemvowelled, voice of The Editors.

Some years back I had a wee epiphany when I realized that, for the most part, we aren't supposed to to read the WaPo editorial page. It isn't actually for us. It's a means for certain elites to send messages to each other, a way for the "Gang Of 500" to take their battles public, to signal their interests and priorities. There are some exceptions to this, some columnists who write for readers, but for the most part it's simply a conversation by and for elites. If you're good enough, smart enough, and, doggone it, Fred Hiatt thinks you're important, there's no limit to the amount of bullshit you can have blessed by him. On his page is where the Washington Consensus is defended daily, truth be damned.

Krauthammer. Broder. Hoagland. Kristol. Novak. Cohen. Lane. Cupp. Thiessen. Kurtz. Samuelson. Diehl. Kelly. Noonan. Will. Ignatius. Parker. Marcus. Milbank. Gerson.

Some of these people are no longer with us, and I have no idea which ones Hiatt is really responsible for, but I'm a lazy blogger so I'll just throw them all in his column. Imagine assembling this collection of horrors, and being proud of it.

To his credit there is some diversity of opinion there, though unsurprisingly your liberal media isn't very liberal, but this award is for wanking, not pure wingerism. And aside from amassing the greatest collection of wankers in human history, Fred's own contributions to wanking cannot be overlooked. He's even a wanker on issues only I seem to care about. Perhaps more importantly, there's rarely a problem that can't be solved by killing people somewhere or impoverishing your granny. Might makes right, bitches! The deficit is a bigger threat than Hitler, or at least more important than people having jobs. The Editors (the bad ones) were Iraq deadenders, ensuring thousands and thousands more came to deadly ends. Also, too, Afghanistan. Accountability for elites? Don't be silly. Just have a commission!

It's an award for individual achievement in wanking, and an award for the highest achievement in group wanking. Congratulations, Fred!