Wednesday, August 31, 2016


I spent the early afternoon consulting with the Evil League of Evil Labor Economists, and here were their suggestions for how to attract workers if you're having some trouble doing so.

a) Offer a higher wage. Yes, yes, wages, are so 20th century, but The Kids Today have a strange affinity for them. Maybe it's nostalgia. They even want dollars, and not Bitcoins or Applebucks.

b) Good health insurance. Weirdly, even though President Kenyan Muslim Socialist nationalized the health care industry, some Kids Today just aren't happy with their death panels and want their companies to buy redundant policies for them. Silly Kids Today.

c) Retirement benefits. Yes, yes, they've been watching too many old movies. Silent movies, starring Steve Simels mostly. But The Kids Today have these romantic notions that come retirement they won't have to do a Logan's Run or face their prescribed destiny. They've been told their whole lives that Social Security just won't be there for them so they need an alternative. Blame whoever keeps telling them that (shhh!!!!).

d) On the job training. It's true The Kids Today don't major in anything useful, unlike the Greatest Generation and the Second Greatest Generation and the Pretty Good Generation After That who all had degrees in Physics or Engineering before going on to work in opinion journalism, but that's the labor force you have to deal with. Might have to show them a thing or two.

e) Job Security. The Kids Today would like some assurances that their jobs might be around a few months hence. Yes that goes against everything the Washington Post opinion page has been telling you. Tenure of any kind is anathema to them. The job turnover there is brutal. It seems that every 20 or 30 years or so there's a new columnist!

It's going to take a lot to lure them from their parents' basements. But, sadly, that pesky 13th Amendment was ratified, or so they claim, so if you want The Kids Today to come work for you, sacrifices must be made.