But also it’s just absolutely fucking out of the question that Trump won the title fair and square. Physically, the man looks like some sort of hideous British dessert—some sort of meringue that’s been boiled for a day inside a pair of men’s underpants and somehow tastes exactly like baloney—and stands like he’s in the middle of a windstorm. A thin rivulet of beige liquid has been leaking from his ears since at least 2014. He is plainly in no condition to win any golf club’s golf championship—or even, as Golf.com’s Michael Bamberger reports, a co-championship, a distinction that didn’t make it onto the little plaque that Trump had screwed onto his locker at Trump International. And yet the plaque is there, and Trump is listed as the co-champion alongside a 58-year-old Trump International club member named Ted Virtue.
Virtue held that title outright, Bamberger writes, until “Trump ran into him at the club, according to multiple sources who recounted the story. Having some fun with him, Trump said something like, ‘The only reason you won is because I couldn’t play.’” Trump challenged Virtue to a nine-hole match-play playoff—that is, each hole scored independently and worth one point—for the title. “As in nearly all amateur golf rounds, no rules official was on hand. Golf’s tradition calls for players to police themselves and, if necessary, one another. Trump won. In victory a magnanimous Trump said to Virtue something like, ‘This isn’t fair—we’ll be co-champions.’”
I once asked the internet hive mind why people cheat at golf, a game that you are basically playing against yourself unless there are sponsors and real money is involved. The answer was that it's a show of dominance. The supposed alpha male (the boss) cheats, and the supposed betas (his employees or other social underlings) let him cheat and that's the point. Not winning, but forcing people to let you get away with cheating, to look the other way when you are obviously doing it, and then congratulate you for doing so. And that's why Trump loves golf, because that's the only type of activity that makes him happy.