Afternoon Levity

From America's finest news source.

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special “piggy” nickname on someone else. “But I’m supposed to be his piggy—I’m supposed to be his only piggy,” a weeping Vance said this week as he collapsed against the locked bathroom door and slid down onto the tile. “Somebody’s in here! Just give me a second! God, it’s not fair. She didn’t even do the oinks. It was hard enough to have to hold it together after he called Marjorie Taylor Greene a ‘ranting lunatic’ last week, but this—this is a bridge too far. Who does that bitch reporter think she is? I’m his piggy. Me! You just need to pull yourself together, JD, and show him you’re still his best little piggy.” At press time, Vance had reportedly locked himself in his bedroom and refused to come out after hearing Trump refer to someone else as a “fat slob.”